i’ve been writing this post in my head for a few days now, but i held off on writing it because i hoped that i would have more good news and i figured it would be best to clump all the good news together. but sometimes, life doesn’t turn out that way, so the good news stays spread out. 

this weekend, i had to talk TL off the ledge about not wanting to try again for the month of november. from this statement, i’m sure you can surmise that this month didn’t work, despite all of the good intentions and wishing. some how i saw dr. o’malley as the great hope of all things conception, and i allowed myself to be naive again in the fact that “this month has to work because…” i allowed myself to return to the mindset that we both had when we set out – that as soon as we get zippie and do an insemination, we will both be pregnant and picking out nursery ware. 

clearly not true. 

so i talked TL back into trying this month, mainly with several reasons that could be seen as selfish to the untrained eye. but i wanted her to stick by her word of trying for two more months. not to mention, we have a vial of zippie sitting on ice at the RE’s office. there was no sense in letting that just fall to waste or pay for storage. she has departed from her whole “attraction factor” attitude and believes that she’ll never get pregnant. while i understand why she feels that way, i really miss the “this is going to work!” rosy colored glasses outlook. i just want her to have hope again. 

and so we are going to ride with dr. o’malley for another month, and perhaps try some new drugs or some new techniques. some new something i guess, to just keep it fresh. i’m still feeling hopeful. 

i’m still feeling in limbo – although we have decided on bedding, nursery chair, crib, dressers and storage, i still don’t feel quite comfortable with going forward with getting things set up. i feel like setting up the nursery would be sealing the deal for just pepita, and i want to wait and see what happens. so honestly, i don’t think we will be getting things started with set up and registry until december. sure it’s a little late, but i just have a feeling that i want to wait for TL and see what happens. 

so back to the good news i was talking about – after 51 days, i signed an offer and started my new job on monday morning, and i love it already. the atmosphere is a complete change of pace and although it’s still corporate america, it’s not a killer. i winded up taking a position that i was a little overqualified for. and i did that on purpose, because at this point, i’m ready for a bit of break. half way through the day on monday, i was really longing for a nap and for a brief minute i thought about the fact that perhaps i should have spent just a little more of my 51 days napping instead of stressing. 

the wonderful things about this news included the fact that i will not have to pay for cobra, i can elect short- term disability insurance, the dress code is so relaxed i can’t believe it, and best of all, dr. runner and my dentist accepts my new insurance. it couldn’t be more perfect and by perfect i’m talking old insurance ends on 11/30 and new insurance begins on 12/1. PERFECT!

i learned a lot about myself in those 51 days and i feel like i spent my time doing a lot of things that i should have done years ago. i also learned a lot about control and how to let go of it. i spent time doing things that i hadn’t been able to do in the past two years because i worked too damn much. i realized that like may of you said in the beginning, “this is the best thing that could have happened”. of course, i couldn’t see that at the time. i thought a lot about those things that mattered to me, and those things that really didn’t matter so much and i’ve started to incorporate more of those things that matter into my life.

so that is the good news, and i hope to have more to bring in the future, you know, before december…